Ugh

It's real simple. Sometimes I just want to lay my head down and give up. I'm in college, I have a big piece I need to write professionally, I have sick kids, I have a husband that has two jobs, and today, I was so frustrated by my inability to "get" the passe compose in French that I just sat in my car and cried.

And then I remembered the two things on my dry board in my office. In big letters, I have one saying: 1) PICK and 2) keep calm and carry on.

And that's what we have to do. When we are people who's self worth has been tossed about by the very people who are supposed to assure it, (i.e., family) sometimes we have to remember that our minds have been muddled for a long, long time. When you argue and are filled with self-doubt in every single encounter with your family, how are you to trust your own judgement? I like to think this is why I never got anything done in the past twelve years, or never completed college. Partly it was because of sleep deprevation (I microslept for years. I called it "getting the blinks". Sleep medication helped, see entry about Ambien) but partly it was because I was just so busy emotionally bailing water. I had one parent that protected me from the violent parent, and went out and tried to fix every damn little thing in my life. So was I, am I, equipped to be an adult? No. I like to think that the chainsaw makes your ears ring for a while, even after you've dropped it in the water. Now it is time to--one day at a time--let the ringing subside. You can't make it let you panic, that's for sure. Keep calm. Carry On.

I am reading William Goldman right now, or at least, I'm reading William Goldman when I should be studying French which would free up time for my writing the script I need to get done. But he's so damn encouraging, I can't help myself. He said that he takes six months to do an adaptation. One month for the actual writing, and the other six for working it out by reading and re-reading, and then he said something that probably saved my fledgling career even before it got started: I need a couple of months to screw up my courage and convince myself that I can do it.

Now here is the single most respected scriptwriter in the world, along with Cottrell Boyce (on the English front) and Charlie Kaufman (on the metafictional front) and oh, of course Aaron Sorkind (on the I-Am-A-Diety-of-Dialog front). And he has to screw up his courage.

I feel much better now. Such things help dim the ringing. Because one thing is for sure about post-chainsaw living: the reality that you are not a bad person and that what your feeling is normal is the most liberating thing of all. It brings the calm. Thanks, William.

On the dieting front. Sheesh. I can barely think about it today. I will say that Hershey's chocolate (only a little!) I had on the way home from French class sure was good.